We just never know... :((

When we have an animal, we know, at some level that before we leave this planet, the animal will go before us. When we have more than one animal, we usually expect that the older animals will leave first... But that seems not to be the case these days. In the last year I have lost 3 young parakeets, 2 one year old cats, a 3 month old kitten,a just turned 5 year old dog, and now, in the shocker of the decade, my bunny, Jackie who just turned 2 about a week ago.

This type of thing just serves to re-enforce my case... you just never know when your time is going to end. For more of my children than I care to think about some days, that was either prior to birth or just minutes after. I have had friends who were diagnosed with cancer one day, and a year later were gone. Then, I have also had friends who were told they had 6 months to live to defy expectations and live 15 more years, not only see their daughters graduate, but to see 3 of the 5 married.

So in this post I have 2 things to say...

First, love those around you with all you have, because tomorrow may be too late to say I love you.

And Second, rest well by the bridge, Jackie... I'll be there eventually.

The passing of a great man...

Tonight I got a call that I have been expecting, and dreading. During my second marriage I was blessed with some really cool grandparents. We played Euchre and Spades every weekend, and I had a knack for ticking Grandpa off... I either trumped his trick, or lead trump... or something equally maddening.

Easter Sunday about 15 years ago, Grandma left us after working all night to cook dinner. It was a really hard day. Tonight, they are together again. Grandpa went to join his wife of 50 years, 3 months, and 3 days after a relatively brief separation.

Rest well, Nelson Wogoman. Till we meet again.

I have had enough!

Okay, another rant. Every year about fall I call a "Professional" out to look at my furance and heating system. Every year they tell me the same thing. "We can install a brand new one for $40,000 that would be more energy efficient." But since I can't get a loan for a quarter without 9 cosigners and a $500 down payment... that just won't happen. But they assure me that my equipment is in perfect working order, even though it was installed in the 1950's. No problem, right? WRONG! EVERY YEAR, in the coldest part of winter, the furnace shuts down for one reason or another. This year, after being assured once again that this furnace was just peachy, we have found that the burner coils are rusted clean thru, and are leaking gas into the house. LOVELY! Not only could my family and I DIED, but all my animals, too. We could have blown up, due to the fact that we were supplementing our heat with the fireplace... which still won't heat the whole house, although it does help a bit. NOW we have only 3 space heaters to keep all the humans and birds warm... while the dogs and cats huddle together and get along as best as they can. I have had it with Indiana winters. I have had it with liars and cheats who tell me everything is fine in the hopes that I will come up with $4000 in the dead of winter to get something fixed that they could have fixed for less in the fall. I am also tired of everyone telling me how WONDERFUL this new stimulas package is... how we can all be weatherized and "go green" because of it. Bull is all I can say. The only ones who will get "weatherized" and have their homes become "green living homes" are those lucky enough to have credit. I, for one, do not have that. Who is going to pay for this? I can't. I am paying most of the household income to the utility companies, and even more to the crooked mortgage company. Remember that last bailout that was supposed to have gotten us all a new look at our mortgages? Not one person facing forclosure is going to be able to sell, cause the banks, even though they got tons of money, are lowering the mortgage amount to reflect current housing values. So, until someone hands me a real economic stimulas of CASH, not a "tax credit" I will be able to do nothing but beg for a warm, dry, place to live. What good is a tax credit do for those who can't afford to get done what will get a credit? If you have no taxable income in the first place, how can a credit do you any good? Someone please revive common sense before I lose my mind.

What does it mean to be Pagan?

The Lineage of an American

Who am I?
I am who I am,
The product of many lifetimes.
I am an American,
A Hoosier by birth, but what is that?
I am Cherokee, proud and independent
None shall enslave me.
I am a Scott, strong and hardy,
None shall defeat me.
I am Polish, smart and hardworking,
None shall call me inferior.
In my spirit lies the sum of all these lives.
I am a part of them, and they of me.
I am a wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, grandmother and friend.
What more could I ask for?
I am who I am,
And I am whole.

Okay, this is where I will go off on a rant, so some may just want to leave and not read further... at least till I get into a better mood. Most would say that to be a pagan means that you worship the "devil". Well, I don't happen to follow the pantheon that believes in that entity, so no, I do not do that. In the ancient Greek and Roman terms, it is roughly meaning "hick" or "redneck" in the modern vernacular. My definition has always been thought of as anything that is non-Christian. That could encompass anything from Judaism and Islam to the secular. I suppose the definition is and can be wide open. So, in what category would you put yourself? Hard to say, and I really hate having to define myself because I like to think that I am more than a cookie cutter replica of anything. I have been constantly changing and evolving, as I am sure the rest of the life forms that I share this planet with and the planet itself has, since I was first catapulted into existence.

This all being said, how would we define something as being pagan? Is it when there is some dark references to something mysterious? References to great evil or great power? How to become so powerful as to run roughshod over everyone and everything and bend it/them to your will? Is it references to various gods and ideas of Deity? Or can it just be something that is not religious in nature? Something not bragging how wonderful life is and how great some obscure parent figure is?

This is the eternal question in my mind... why are my ideas so much less valid than others? Why am I relegated to the place of student? The answer may be clear as mud, or as the summer sky, but there are days when I just can't put aside my pessimistic bent and say that it is just people being people. There is no way that I have power over anyone else, and I really don't want to, anyway.

I only have power over myself, my actions, my feelings, and my behavior. Who I am is not, and will not, be influenced by anything other than my own decisions. This is why I wrote the previous post... it is who I am. I am happy with who I am. No matter what anyone thinks I should be. I am me, and I am whole.

Another move in the works...

Well, I had hoped to avoid this particular step, but I'm going to be moving over the next several months. First step is paying the man for the warehouse. We are going to be leasing a really nice one so we can have our animals and not have to worry about the communist bastard that lives next door. I know how he must have voted in the last election... but I digress. The next step, after getting utilities set up and on, is building the dog kennels and moving them. Then the cat area, storage for food and stuff, and finally my bird area/office. Oh, and after all this we need to find a place to lay our own heads... almost forgot about that. Anyway, there are several good things about this move. One, we can save money on utilities and rent. Our house payment now is $2500, and that is just rediculas. Then, this drafty house costs us around $900 a month on the budget plan for utilities. And we were freezing during that last cold snap. Another good thing is that I will be closer to church. Only about 4 blocks away, as it happens. Also all the stores that I go to are a lot closer, so that will save money, too. Once we move, we can start trying to sell this place. Hopefully the market picks up and we won't have to worry about it for long. I'll miss the pool, and the country, but this should help for at least the next 18 months or so, so I can figure out my next step in life. No one knows what the universe will bring me, so we'll just wait and see. Until then, I'm off to get things ready.

Sweater Done!

Yay! It's done! I finally gave up on the hood, but this makes the pattern unique, I think. It took a bit longer than I anticipated, but I guess I understand that you just can't rush things. Rushing makes mistakes, and while we learn from them, if we were to just take our time in things we might get them done right the first time. I just can't wait to give this to Jozlynn.

Too many hobbies... Never enough time

I have come to the conclusion that I have probably too many hobbies... but then, can there really be such a thing? Can a person have too many activities that make them happy, relaxed, and productive at the same time? One of my first hobbies was reading. I don't remember being taught, I just remember reading. My mother tells me she taught me when I was about 18 months old. I know she read to me quite a bit, and I'm sure Sesame Street didn't hurt, so who knows? She could be right.

But this lead to my second hobby, which the teachers at Mary Phillips Elementary School had a huge hand in... Writing. This has always been just something I did when I was depressed, and my poetry is usually so dark it would make Edgar Allen Poe cringe. He was always one of my favorites.

I tried hard for the longest time to learn to knit, crochet, and sew. For quite a while, I could only hem pants, and then not very well. I was nearly 23 years old when I finally learned to crochet, and sewing would wait another 7 years. Knitting remains something to be attained.

Cooking and baking are also hobbies, but not as much as I used to. Video games and television were never really a part of my life until recently. Thanks to my friend Danielle, I have gotten my most addictive hobby. I am forcibly taking a break from it so I can make sure that I don't get out of control, although to most I already am. I am talking about living in the World of Warcraft.

For those of you who do not know, it is an online role playing game. This is the next step in my role playing career, cause I had been playing pencil and paper games like Vampire, Werewolf, D&D, and Spycraft for years. There are many wonderful things about World of Warcraft that far surpass these traditional games. For one, you don't have to keep track of hit points, or do any math yourself. I have met and played with people from all over the world, usually military people. I have people to talk to and play with at all hours of the day and night, so if I am having a night where I can't sleep, I can always get on the game.

There are still so many things to learn, and I am glad for that. I never want to stop learning how to create something or do something. It has been a good day.

Something New

Okay, this is my second post in a day. But I think this is important. I am going to try to post a picture of something I made. It is a hat, but it is more than that. While I was crocheting this hat, I was also weaving magic. With each stitch, I added my desire that the person wearing this hat be kept warm, safe from the bitter cold we have been experiencing, and to know that my love and care was with them. This is the same kind of thing that I do when I cook or create anything. Magic is much easier for me to do if I have something physical to help me focus my intent. This hat has already been tested and approved. While Jody was wearing it, he was warmer than he expected to be, with -31 air temp and the gods only know what the wind chill was in Chicago last night. Right now I am working on a sweater for my youngest grandchild. She had asked specifically for a white sweater for Christmas, and I didn't get it done in time. But, for her, any day she gets something from Grandma is just as good as Christmas. I'll post it when I am done.

First Post

Okay, here I try again. I'm not going to promise that I will post everyday, cause that most likely will not happen. Real like has a habit of getting in the way of even the most well laid plans. This is evident in the pattern of my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm not totally complaining... sometimes it has been for the better. I know that most people won't agree with what I might write, but hey, that is what free will is for, having the ability to think for yourself and form your own opinions. Hopefully, though, this might at least prove to be theraputic for me.

We can always hope.